I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
