I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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