...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
