Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
