Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize