My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
