A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
