I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
