hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
