By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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