i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
