Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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