So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
