Ambien. No doubt about it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
