I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
