she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
