Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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