i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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