I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
