Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You know, be my cock's hype man.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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