At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
