i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
