Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize