I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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