Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
