I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
