I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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