I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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