i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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