I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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