I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
