I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
