you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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