my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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