Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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