My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
