In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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