My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
