Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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