If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
