i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it because I queefed?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
