i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
