Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
