member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
