I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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