I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
