I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
