my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
