Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I am available for nakedness
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
