my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
