I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
