I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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