brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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