I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
