i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
