I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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