dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
