Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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